Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Kevin Leonard’s All Star 5 aside Premier League team – The Usual Fullbacks

Here is The Football Front's new feature of the ‘5 a side all star Premier League team.’ Imagine a five aside team. A team that could consist of Premier League players, from the past and present. We have asked fans, bloggers and writers to talk us through their fantasy Premier League five aside teams.

The Football Front's own Kevin Leonard kicks things off with his hilarious selection.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness the assembly of the greatest 5 a side team the world has ever seen. This is a team formed metaphorically speaking in the very depths of hell where the most barbaric of history’s villains dare not to venture.

Realistically speaking they met in a group therapy session on how to deal with anger management issues.

The goalkeeper of these Inglorious Bastards is the German Jen Lehmann. He stood between the sticks for his country as well as Arsenal, Stutgartt and Borrussia Dortmund. Jens was in the group therapy session because his anger problems led him to take a Stutgartt fan’s glasses after he was sent off. The fan, to be fair, had angrily asked the German; why are you so difficult? Jens felt because his anger caused him to steal and effectively blind a man it was time to go into group therapy.

The defender on this team is none other than the angry Aussie Lucas Neill. Once of West Ham and Blackburn, now of Galatasary says it all really. Lucas’s tendency to become infuriated constantly with officials and team mates got out of hand in an International match. Neill played an overly strong pass in the direction of an innocent bird. The bird, known as flappy, was on the pitch trying to enjoy the game when the ball from Niell came flying his way. Flappy will never fly again. By order of the WWF (World Wildlife Fund, not the wrestling organisation) Lucas Neill had to attend this anger management session.

Central midfielders are among the most ill tempered people on the planet and it was no surprise that two of them were at this group therapy meeting. Joey Barton and Roy Keane were certainly scarier than most other patients the psychologist had treated in his career. Barton put the proverbial shits up the shrink because of his time in jail due to an assault on a Manchester City team mate Ousmane Dabo.

While Roy Keane terrified the Doctor for a number of reasons. 1: He looks like Iranian President Mahamoud Ahmadinejad. 2: He broke Haland’s leg in two. 3: His low pitched, calm voice makes him sound like the Cork equivalent of Michael Corleone.

The striker and captain of the 5 aside team is perhaps the most responsible man on the team, Duncan Ferguson. The Scary striker admitted himself to the anger management programme for reasons of heroism. When two burglars broke into his home in Liverpool, he turned into a loud mad Scottish Hulk and pummelled their faces so hard he broke his own fist. Drunken Duncan as some call him, or others simply call him a hero. Even though he was well within his rights to assault the two uninvited guests. He still thought it best for the World if he learned to calm himself by attending group therapy.

Duncan himself formed the side as an idea for him and his buddies to channel their rage into a more productive manner. This may not be a five a side team rich in skill but it certainly will not lack passion!

NOTE: All of these players didnt go to the same therapy group, they went to local anger therapy groups.

You can follow Kevin on his Twitter - @megatronSTALIN, Kevin regularly writes for Away Goals too.

Things you may like to read

Everton – The Premier League's drought club?

Aston Villa and Alex McLeish – A marriage destined to fail

Why Norwich City will face the most danger next season

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